Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Where do i start

Firstly i will say sorry to DD ,if you read this you may be upset but this is my space and my feelings and nothing i do or say is put down to upset you.

I love all my children and have a good relationship with them.Youngest DD is the only one left at home and right from the start we have had a brilliant relationship .I have always lived by the moto that i trust until the time that trust is abused.So they have all been allowed to spread there wings and do things.
DD has been in a relationship with a lad a few years older than her for nearly 2 and half years.For a young couple they argued lots and in my opinion didn't do the things they should do together,I'm a firm believer in that old fashioned way of courtship.
They booked a holiday together earlier in the year which they went on in August she had said it would be make or break and it broke her,She missed home and phoned every day in tears sometimes because how he was to her .She told us that when she got back from hols she was going to end it but then we poleaxed her with the news of her dog and he was nice to her.A few days later she was off on her girly holiday she wasn't keen on going but she did and I'm glad.
She had an amazing time didn't miss home and didn't want to come home ,the way it should be.She met a lad on holiday and he wanted to see her when she got home,He doesn't live that far from us so not impossible.I know this isn't a perfect scenario but it gave her the confidence to say i want out of this relationship.She told BF she wanted a break now BF suffers from some mental health issues and he threatened suicide if she left him.Now don't get me wrong but my daughter is 18 in a few weeks and doesn't need this she will have many years of having to deal with the hang ups of life.
She kept in contact and has seen holiday romance lad a few times but ex is still hanging on,Flowers delivered yesterday ,promises of change.DD says she loves him and would go back to him but i don't want this.As i have said we talk about everything and i know as well as she does hes not good for her,I don't think i want him back in my house staying over and taking advantage of my hospitality anymore.When he speaks rudely to her i wont be able to bite my tongue.
DD says i have put her in an awful position as she has asked for and knows my feelings on the matter and wouldn't want to do anything to upset me but she had made the hardest decision and by going back i can see it then being a forever relationship because he will knock everything out of her and she wont have the confidence to do it again.She will have no friends and wont be able to talk to boys even work colleagues without him threatening them to stay away when he sees them.
New lad seems to be a bit maturer he walked along with my daughter and another lad walked by and said your lucky to have her on your arm shes a stunner and he took it as the complement it was.

I know i have to step back and let her make her own mistakes and live her own life but its so hard when you know the next step will be ex producing a ring.....

Well apart from that we now have a new dog another unwanted dog.I relented to Cheer daughter up and take her mind off ex( backfired)Shes a lovely girl.
We also had the funeral yesterday very sad but a lovely service and well turned out.OH is being nice to me at the moment so I'm thankful for that .
Debt busting is going really well and granddaughters are coming down in October so well chuffed on that one.
That's enough of my ramblings
until next time


  1. The hardest part of being a parent is watching our children make what we consider to be mistakes. They ask our advice, we give it to the best of our ability, whether they take it or not we have to stand by and pick up the pieces over and over.

    Our children don't come with a guide or rule book when they are born and I suspect if they did we would have ripped it up within months anyway. Life chucks some rubbish our way at times and all we, and they can do, is to deal with it in the best possible way at the time.

    Tell her to follow her heart, but to put her head in gear too. All you can do is to stand on the sidelines and let her know you are there for her and no one else.

    Sue xx

    1. if you ever get fed up of self sufficiency you should become a councellor, wise words and i thank you( and said some of this to her)


  2. Reading that made me feel guilty! The things I must have put my poor mother through! I can see why your so upset. Just remember what a girl finds exciting at 18 a women in her 20's will find childish and boring x

  3. Hello my lovely so sorry to hear the troubles you are having.

    All you can do is be there for DD when she needs you, as she undoubtedly will and let her make her own decisions and mistakes in life. You have every right to say you don't want him in your house at the moment as you feel he has hurt her and that doesn't sit well with you. If it was me, I would tell her that, you understand that its her life and that you are there for her whatever. However, at the moment he's let you down and it'll will take a while for that trust to be rebuilt. Let her know its not forever, just while things are so tense. Hopefully being the sensible young woman she is, she'll realise it's because you care and she'll make the right choice in the end. Don't give up hope, the fact that she broke away once and met someone else speaks volumes.

    Glad OH is being nice too, its about time x

    ((((hugs)))) Granny x

  4. ps, great news about DGDs too, you must be so excited at the prospect x

  5. Has she taken him back yet or is she still deciding? You are right that she has to decide for herself but its a long time to be together at that age so it must be very difficult to end it even if deep down she knows its not quite what it should be.

    What a difficult situation, she is way to be young to be dealing with that kind of manipulation and guilt tripping, he must be very controlling threatening suicide.

    No suggestions from me I'm afraid, except bannish him from your house and thats probably not the best move!

    Glad you will be able to see the grankids soon, they will be excited to meet your new addition to the family I am sure.x

  6. the best news my mum gave me when i was in a very similar situation to this was; if anyone threatens to kill themselves if you leave them, tell them to choose a sharp knife.
    My first marriage was a horrid controlling situation and I will do anything to avoid my GD getting into a similar relationship herself. To that end we have an open relationship and chat daily. We have each other's back.

    Take care honey, FM xxx

  7. So sorry to hear of your struggles with DD and the boy :( She sounds like a sweet caring young lady who is afdraid to hurt the boys feelings even if it means she is not happy. Prayers for you that she will soon see the light and get out while she can

  8. Poor you, you're between a rock and a hard place. If you can, get her looking at the Women's Aid or Refuge websites. My job role is dealing with women in abusive relationships, sometimes it can't be seen because " he doesn't hit me" but abusive relationships include emotional and psychological abuse. Hopefully she'll have her eyes opened and with your obvious support she'll come through it. :-)

  9. Its tough isnt it. I dont have a great relationship with my DD. Its not from not wanting a better one. I say to myself, I can advise her but in the end it has to be her decision. It is so hard though as you as her mum want someone to treat her well, & not the other way. Be there for her like you are & hopefully she will see she deserves better.
    I have to tell myself daily that I cannot live my daughters life for her as I see her make so many mistakes & blunder through things. I hope as she gets a little older a bit more maturity will set in and she wont be so risky in the way she lives her life

  10. It is really hard isn't it - please tell your daughter - I married a man who had mental health issues (although I didn't know it at the time I married him) and had 20 years of hell with him, 20 years of being used as a punch bag, 20 years of never knowing if he would be going into work the next day and whether I would be able to pay the mortgage and feed my children, 20 years of being mentally bullied into what he wanted, my freedom came with a full time well paid job, so when he said he was going to leave I opened the door so wide and so quickly for him to go - knowing full well that I could pay the mortgage and feed the kids without him in the picture - that was best day of my life - strangely he wanted to come back 6 months later but it was too late I'd changed the locks and saw a solicitor - he then played awkward for 5 years over the divorce even going to prison rather than give his details to the court - please, please tell your daughter not to waste 25 years of her life - start walking away now whilst she can, don't look back and tell him as Fostermummy says to get himself a sharp knife!, believe me he won't! Tell her I met a new man and then married him - he is the most kindest, loving person and now couldn't be happier, but I wouldn't want to see any woman have the life that I had (strangely the first one has never met anyone else!)Only 2 good things came out of that marriage - my 3 beautiful children and I now own my home - hope she comes through ok xxxx

  11. Sounds incredibly hard. I know I was a nightmare at that age and at least you have an open and honest relationship. Hopefully she will realise you are right an give him the big heave ho.

    X x

  12. The hardest thing is getting away from the control freaks. Once you are out it just gets easier every day. Mine even attempted suicide (after threatening it) but it was a pathetic attempt as it was only to try to "win" me back, he would never have gone through with it fully. He knew how low he had knocked me (physically as well as psychologically) and thought I was weak enough to go back. Luckily by that point I had an enormous amount of support around me (they were waiting in the wings for me to have my relationship LBM!) and I swear I have never looked back.

    I hope everything works out sooner rather than later.


    Gap x

  13. Yes, between the devil and the deep blue sea, a very difficult one.

    Easy to say step back and don't interfere, let her make her own mistakes.

    Downside of that is that it sends a message to this bloke that all he has to do is threaten suicide to get his own way, and giving in to that now means giving in to it for ever.

    I was stuck in a marriage to a woman for 34 years, who I now realise was manipulative, scheming and mentally un-balanced. I wish I could have seen this bafore I married her.